I think it is time to continue my “How To” column, as my first “How To” post, “How to Make People Think You're a Bad Person,” has obviously proven to be hugely popular. I had no idea that so many of you would be such enthusiastic followers of those principles. In fact, I don't know if you should be thanking me for helping you to so thoroughly tarnish your image, or if I should be thanking you for all the new inspiring ideas for ruining my own reputation.
I hope this next column will prove to be just as useful.
Now, insulting other people is easy. Just point out their double-chin, their lack of money, their annoying personality traits, etc. Anyone can do that. It's getting them to insult you that can be tricky. I mean, what normal person is going to outright insult you? Fortunately, there are ways around people's society-imposed etiquette.
To make this easier, I have divided the insult obtainment methods into four easy sections: Women: Getting Insulted by Women; Women: Getting Insulted by Men; Men: Getting Insulted by Men; and Men: Getting Insulted by Women.
Women: Getting Insulted by Women
Women, you are sly creatures. Getting another woman to insult you is like two lionesses stalking each other. You're both alert and intelligent, and you're both prepared to ambush the other. Please enjoy these underhanded ways for obtaining insult from other women.
Invite another woman to your home for a meal. Make sure the sink is full and that dinner is not ready. If she tries to help, then be insulted that she thinks your home is messy. If she doesn't help, be insulted that she just lazed around while you did all the work. Now for the double-whammy. Make sure the meal tastes terrible. Under season it, burn it, whatever. If she fails to acknowledge the atrocity of the meal, watch for her expression as she tries to eat it. A facial expression can be worth a thousand words. If she does mention the heinous quality of the meal, then she is no lioness.
If you're a working woman, bring a delicious snack to work, such as a cookie. Make sure it is very visible. When another woman sees it, offer it to her. When she declines, offer it again, insisting that you're full and you don't need it. When she finally accepts, you may feel insulted that she dared to take your only cookie. If she stubbornly refuses, you may take it as an insult that she thinks you have an unhealthy diet and that she thinks you're fat.
Women: Getting Insulted by Men
Women, you are lucky. There are a wealth of ways to extract insult from men. In fact, half the time you don't even have to go through any effort to get insulted. However, if you are feeling forlorn from lack of insult by men, consider this a brush-up on your technique.
One classic method for obtaining insult is to ask a man, “Do I look fat in this?” No matter what he says, you can always have a guaranteed insult. If he tells you the truth—that you look fat—you have the right to feel deeply hurt and disparaged. If he lies to you and tells you you don't look fat, you can be hurt that he has so little faith in you that he feels he has to lie to you to make you feel good about yourself. Other no-brainers are to ask, “Do you think I should join a gym?”, “Do I look like I've lost weight?” or “Am I ugly with these pimples all over my face?”
A different approach is to ask a man, “How do you like my haircut?” Whether or not you actually got a haircut is beside the point. The point is to get insulted. If he says he likes it, you can tell him you didn't actually get a haircut and that he is a liar and he wouldn't even notice if you did get a haircut. If he says he doesn't like it, then of course you can cry. Your hair will never grow again.
Men: Getting Insulted by Men
Men, take advantage of the situations where you find other men owe you. For example, if you help a man fix his car, or if you give him a ride or buy him a meal. Always offer to pay for the service or accept complete financial responsibility. If the other man insists on compensating you, be insulted that he thinks you want compensation or even need it. If he doesn't offer to compensate you, he is a cheapskate and shouldn't be your friend anymore.
An active approach to obtaining insult from a man is to ask him whether he thinks your wife, fiancée or girlfriend is attractive. If he admits to thinking your woman is attractive, it is a deep enough insult that you are obliged to get into a fist fight. If he claims he doesn't think your wife is attractive, then that is just cold, and he is a poor, unsupportive friend.
If you are too ugly to be with a woman, ask the man if he thinks your mother is attractive.
Men: Getting Insulted by Women
Men, if you want to get insulted by a woman, you may just have to offer her a ride to somewhere important. If she refuses, be insulted that she doesn't trust you or that she doesn't think you're a good driver or that she doesn't like your car. If she accepts, get extremely lost. If she tries to direct you how to get there, be insulted that she is bossing you around. If she doesn't know how to get there and she asks you to stop to ask for directions, you are free to feel that she has insulted your competence.
If you're a married man, you have a few more options for obtaining insult. One: never do the dishes when she is in the house. I mean never. Whether you choose to actually do the dishes when she is gone or whether you just never do the dishes is up to you. You will probably need to apply this to other household chores as well, such as taking out the trash, doing the laundry, cleaning the bathroom, sweeping the floor. Never do these things when she is around. Being a woman, she will likely eventually bring it up in conversation. This is where you can be insulted that she never notices when you help around the house.
The second method involves patience. Wait for something around the house to break (or just break it yourself). Do not fix it. When she asks your help to fix it, be insulted that she doesn't respect your time and hobbies, and if she wants it fixed so badly, she should just do it herself. If she doesn't ask you to fix it and just ends up doing it herself, you may once again feel that your competence as a man has been insulted. In fact, you can tell her that if she thinks she's so manly and competent, she can just go ahead and fix everything in the whole house, and you will never help her again.
Conclusion
I hope these ideas will enrich your life. Take it to heart. Get creative. I want to find myself insulting you next time I see you.
- Carly
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