Employee of the Month

So you know how you go to the grocery store, and lining the wall next to the customer service desk are several plaques with pictures of employees who are recognized for their outstanding job performance? Underneath the employees' photos are captions such as, Employee of the Month, Cashier of the Month, Convenience Clerk of the Month. Do you know what I think is missing from that wall? Shopping Cart of the Month. Any shopping cart that does an outstanding job deserves that recognition. The shopping cart ought to have its photo on the wall for all patrons to see, and underneath its photo, gold lettering will proclaim, Shopping Cart of the Month.

There are those times at the grocery store when you choose a shopping cart that just works perfectly. The wheels are clean, the handles are free of stickiness, no trash litters the bottom of the cart, and as you push the cart, the direction of its momentum adjusts at the slightest suggestion from your hands. It does its job so well that you barely notice it's there. As you go about your shopping, it recedes into the background, quietly but surely making your shopping experience a pleasure. When you leave the store, the shopping cart is the most minor, insignificant detail in the tiniest corner of your mind. You are unchanged. You are the same. You are just as content leaving the store as you were when you entered it.

On the other hand, there are the times when you get stuck with the cart that is equipped with a variety of irritating qualities, the most maddening of which is the stubborn wheel. Sometimes this condition is very obvious. A thick ring of hair entangles itself around the right front wheel, and when you grab the shopping cart, you notice the problem instantly. The right front wheel absolutely refuses to turn, and you know your shopping trip will be a nightmare if you don't abandon this cart immediately. This shopping cart is clearly there only to take up space. Better not waste your or its time.

And then, there are the sly ones. Initially when you grab the cart, you find it satisfactory. You're not going to spend ten minutes testing every single cart so that you can get that shining star. That would be absurd. Even if the cart has a slight tendency toward one side or the other, it's nothing you can't deal with. After your first one-hundred paces into the store, you realize your mistake. The shopping cart has a very slight but decisive preference for the right. But turning back now would be silly. Plus, it would disturb the decided flow of patrons into the store. No, it's too late. There's no backing out. You are in this for the entire ride.

So you do your best to go about your shopping as if everything is normal. Please excuse the occasional jerk of the shopping cart toward the left, or the flexed arms and clenched hands around the handles as you struggle to control this single-minded piece of equipment. When you enter an aisle and see something you want to purchase, you release your grip for a moment, because who goes to a grocery store to babysit? But the shopping cart continues to drift toward the right, on course to collide with the shelves. At some point, you just have to let go. Let the stupid cart crash into the shelves.

Throughout the shopping trip, your growing irritation is muffled by the rationalization that one should not permit one's patience to be tried by an inanimate object. After you check out and have paid for your groceries, you approach the large exit of the store. The right turn is just slight enough that, if you impose no control over the cart, it will make a perfect right turn toward the exit. Finally, you release your grip on the cart, your sanity returns, and you simply push. The cart makes a gradual turn right into the store exit. Perfect. Just like you wanted. Ha, try making me angry now, shopping cart!

- Carly

Streamlining

So, Tim and I recently received an informative letter from Zion's Bank. So you know what I'm talking about, I've typed the letter below:

Dear Timothy K. Ferrin,

Your account is important to us. That's why we continually review our products to ensure our account benefits remain high, while your costs remain low. To that end, we've recently streamlined all our accounts to better meet your needs. That means your account with us will soon change. Here are the details:

Based on our analysis of your current account activity, your Free Checking Account ending in 9001 will be converted to our new Checking Plus Account on December 14, 2011.

What Stays The Same

-Your account number and debit card number

-Online Banking with Bill Pay—including all automatic or recurring payments

-Your checks and unlimited check-writing

-Overdraft Services

-Choice of online eStatements or paper statements

-No monthly charge for debit card use

What Will Change

-There will be a $7 monthly service fee on your account, and you can easily waive this fee by doing just ONE of the following:

• Maintain a $300 minimum daily balance or
• Have $20+ in other account fees (excluding wire fees) during the statement cycle or
• Use a Zions Bank credit card once during the monthly checking statement cycle

-If you have a Statement Savings account, we'll waive the $3 monthly service fee for that!

Zions bank is committed to helping you meet all your financial services needs, and we're confident you will enjoy your new checking account. In addition to our Checking Plus Account, we offer additional checking account options—all of which allow you to have your monthly service fee waived based on your account activity. If you would like to explore these options, or if you have other questions or concerns, just call us or visit your local Zions Bank branch, or go to www.zionsbank.com/newcheckingplus.

Sincerely,

A. Scott Anderson

President and CEO

You're confident that I'll enjoy the new fees that have just been added to my account? Really? You just told me that my account is virtually staying the same, except now you're charging me a $7 fee. How exactly is this supposed to keep my costs low? And how does this streamline anything?

But at least one good thing came out of this. Thanks to Zion's bank, I now have an excellent model for breaking bad news.

Dear Parents,

Your child is important to us. That's why we continually review our education system to ensure that your child's education remains optimal, and busywork and lack of productivity are kept to a minimum. To that end, we've recently streamlined all our elementary schools to better meet your child's needs. That means the structure of your child's classroom will soon change. Here are the details:

Based on the 2011 school board evaluation of classroom effectiveness, your child's first grade class will transition to the School Pro Plus program on December 14, 2011.

What Stays The Same

-School hours

-A competitive curriculum

-Location of the school

-Low-cost school lunch

-The teacher

-Free public education

What Will Change

-Your child will spend two out of five school days chained in the school basement, and your child can easily avoid this requirement by doing just ONE of the following:

• Maintain a placement score between the 95^th and 100^th percentiles on the annual National Academic Standards Test or
• Submit a $20 fee to the school principle each week or
• Forgo recess to participate in lunch duty one day each week

-If your child is disabled, we'll now provide free handicapped bus services!

Our school district is committed to helping meet all of your child's educational needs, and we're confident he will enjoy the new classroom structure. In additional to our new School Pro Plus program, we offer other school programs—all of which allow your child's periods in the school basement to be waived based on his performance in the programs. If you would like to explore these options, or if you have any questions or concerns, just call or visit your child's school counselor, or go to www.freedomelementary.com/schoolproplus.

Sincerely,

Catherine O'Donnell

Chairman of the School Board

See, that wasn't so bad, was it?

- Carly

Heath Foods

The advantage that the advertising industry and salespeople have these days is that they know that many people desire to eat healthy—but at the same time, they know most people don't really know what is healthy, and they also know people would rather eat tasty than healthy. So what do they do? They sell the illusion of being healthy.

When you're walking around Costco, they entice you with meaningless phrases such as, “all natural,” “wheat flour,” or “gluten-free.” I once saw ice cream that was advertised as “gluten-free.” Uh, yeah. Ice cream isn't made with flour, that's why it's gluten-free. In fact, ALL ice cream is gluten-free!

Or what about the gourmet licorice sticks that Costco was promoting the other day? Scanning over the list of ingredients, it wasn't hard to miss—in unnecessary large bold print—the ingredient, “WHEAT FLOUR.” Yeah, cupcakes have wheat flour. Cookies have wheat flour. Doughnuts have wheat flour. So I'm not sure whether this is an unsuccessful attempt to draw attention away from your secret ingredient, or if this is just a really ill-placed warning to those with Celiac disease.

And then there are always the nutrition bars that don't actually do a superb job of tasting good, but they do manage to grind a multivitamin pill into their organic cardboard and birdseed mix (yea, recycling!), stamp it into the shape of a candy bar, coat it with some sugar and some saturated fat, and then finish it off with a $1.25 price tag. Ooooor, you could just eat a multivitamin.

- Carly

Car Parents

The first car Tim and I owned was sort of like a grandpa. It was awkward in transit, emitted excessive gas, and occasionally died in the snow. It finally petered out on us after two years of subtle neglect and patient waiting...but in the end it only fetched us $80 at the junk yard. Thanks a lot, grandpa!

Finding ourselves car-less and alone, we experienced a period of isolation and longing toward all cars. In our loneliness we took to walking, biking, or riding the bus. We began to consider buying another car. We knew that owning a car would be very rewarding, but we also feared the commitment and responsibilities that attend that reward. Deep down, however, we knew something was missing in our lives—and that something was a car.

After two years of searching, we finally bought another car—a 2001 Saturn L200. It was white and so innocent looking. It was our baby. Immediately, however, we felt the responsibility that comes with being the parents of a new car. The car had many problems. First of all, its “check engine” light was always on—almost like a colicky infant that is constantly bothering you. “You're fine!” we said to the car. But it wasn't. Our baby would periodically cease to function. We had to perform battery detachment and re-application several times. We began to see we were unfit to be car parents. Indeed, when we changed residences, we actually abandoned our baby in our old parking lot for several months. Eventually, however, we decided it was worth it to invest the money to get this little car to function properly again. First thing we did was bring it back to life--as the several months of sitting with no food or water had killed its battery. Then, we took it to the car doctor, and after several more months of car therapy, we were finally able to bring it home—a healthy, properly functioning car at last. We even gave it a license plate.

Today, we have settled comfortably into our role as car owners. We regularly feed it gasoline. When it needs its oil changed, it shines a little light, and we know it's time—like a baby crying for a diaper change. We understand now that a car needs nurture and attention, and we believe we have grown into the mature custodians our baby deserves. This little car has taught so much. We are so grateful toward it--but if it breaks down on our drive down to southern Utah, it's staying there.

- Carly

The Atheist

If you're the type of person who likes to say, "Ha ha, I was right," don't be an atheist. Because if atheists do turn out to be right, well...there isn't gonna be a lot of talking.

Atheists are always going to get the short end of the stick. I mean, what do they have to look forward to? First of all, they've got the impending doom of a nothingness existence hunting them till death. And what comforting words can they offer someone at death's door?

“Goodbye, darling. Goodbye forever. And though this is our final parting, you will always be in my heart...until I die. And then, I will remain in someone else's heart...until human kind has been depleted and the last living soul carries the memory of every human life in his heart, and, at death, he becomes one with the earth, thus uniting the memory of mankind with the mother of our existence.” Okay, I have to admit, that is a pretty beautiful destiny.

But let's say Christians do turn out to be right? They're all gonna be like, “See, I told you so.” Or if Jews are right, they're gonna be like, “How'd'ya like me now!” Or even Buddhists will be like, “Who said they didn't believe in karma?” But if atheists turn out to be right, what are they gonna say?

Nothing. Because they'll be dead.

So wrap your head around this: If atheists turn out to be right about our existence, no one will ever know it.

- Carly

The Doughnut

There is nothing more sorry than the sight of someone eating a doughnut. It is the sight of someone giving in to pure primitive pleasure. The sight of utter indulgence. Someone who is eating a doughnut has either just fought a battle within himself and lost, or he has already long ago fought the fight and failed—so that, when presented with the opportunity to eat a doughnut, he has already resigned himself to the puffy, fatty glazed ring of dough. For him, it is a forgotten battle that remains in his past, which—although the memory is likely lost and buried between the fatty layers of his mind—continues day by day to define him.

And that is the sight I saw yesterday when I went to Krispy Kreme and saw three sixteen-year-old boys slouched around a small table, dully attempting to overcome two dozen Krispy Kreme doughnuts and a gallon of milk. Three boys who likely thought they had just won a battle. They had obtained two boxes of Krispy Kremes! But, in truth, they were being humiliated by their own carnal desires—and still gnawing at the very cause of their mockery, as if eating it would make it any better.

- Carly

Dollars and Cents

I love listening to rich people's problems. And we're not talking about the hard-working individuals who got a break and went to school and landed a well-paying job. We're talking about the cut-throat executives who managed to achieve the American Dream by stepping on people's faces and paying their employees minimum wage so they could earn $400,000 a year.

For example, we've heard them complain about their taxes being threatened to be raised—let's say to 40% of their income—whereas low-income individuals are only taxed a meager amount if at all. “Our dollar isn't worth as much as other people's dollar,” whine the rich. That is correct. Your dollar isn't worth as much. In fact, let's do the math together:

Say a widow has ten dollars. She gives one dollar to charity. She is sacrificing 10% of her worth. On the other hand, if a millionaire gives a dollar to charity, his dollar is worth only 0.0001% of his wealth. In order to make a contribution equal to the widow's he would have to donate $100,000 to charity. His dollar is worth only 1/10000^th what hers is worth. Not fair.

- Carly