A Figment of His Imagination

Being a figment of someone's imagination is a surreal experience. You may think you have control of your words and your actions, but it's hard to know for sure. The person imagining you may allow you complete autonomy, or he may subtly influence your thoughts—just as a bi-product of being the person who is imaging you—consequentially unintentionally affecting your actions. A very controlling imaginator will outright force you to do things. He could make you do the dishes, make breakfast or even give him a foot massage. He could even make you walk on your hands down the stairs in a hand-stand—but be careful, he may quit half-way through, so be prepared to catch yourself so you don't end up at the foot of the stairs with a broken neck.

Fortunately, most imaginators are extremely passive so most figments have great reason to hope. There are several tactics for pursuing your independence.

1. Dance a little gig. Wiggle your hands, your feet, your bottom, your arms. Sing, “La, la, dee-dah.” Put your face in the imaginator's face and puff out your cheeks. Make him feel weird and uncomfortable.

2. Hurt the imaginator's feelings. Attack his innermost insecurities. As a figment of his imagination, you have access to knowledge and insight he may not be consciously aware of. Take advantage of this. It's a cruel world, and sometimes figments have to go to cruel extremes to break free.

3. Frighten him. Go hide in a room behind a door, and when the imaginator enters the room, scream in his ear. You can also try pushing him off a cliff or a building.

4. Have a reasonable discussion. Tell him you're not real; he's just imagining you. Point out inconsistencies in his imagination—and believe me, look hard enough, and they will be there. Convince him that everything he is doing right now is pointless, because it's all in his head.

5. Gain 500 lbs. so you look like the marshmallow man. Talk in slow motion and say, “I'm...going...to...eat...you.”

6. Fill his room with 80,000 lbs. of candy. It will be too good to be true.

7. Hire a mob to chase him down the beach trying to kill him. Have them chase him into a car port where they have an elaborate gun fight. This type of excitement is healthy, anyway.

8. If the imaginator's grasp is loose enough, try mind control. Close your eyes and concentrate very hard. Think of yourself as the imaginator. Think, “I am going to slap myself. There is a fly on my face. There is a bee on my nose. I need to punch my nose.”

Even after all this effort, it's still possible that the imaginator was just imaging you to do all this. But that is the stark reality of a figment's world.

- Carly