100% Natural

The marketing industry is always ready to jump on the bandwagon with whatever values are currently encompassing our nation. In recent years, it's been going “green,” and caring for the environment. Sixty years ago, it was family values and homemaking. Today, families are becoming more health-conscious with the exposure of processed foods and the mysterious non-food substances that we regularly consume. This is good. The chemicals used in processed foods can cause cancer and obesity, whereas the nutrients contained in fresh fruits and vegetables are readily utilized by our bodies, the same way they have been for thousands of years.

So, naturally, the marketing industry is desperate to show us that they share our same values.

Tostitos: It's not just a tortilla chip. Every chip is made from chili peppers and corn grown straight from the earth—nowhere else.

Where else would they be grown from? The moon? Jupiter? A new lab-made grainy purple substance to substitute for soil? Your sock basket? The overgrown kitchen sink? Okay, okay. I believe you that your vegetables were grown from the earth, but wait until we've actually colonized on the moon before you start bragging about it.

Domino's Pizza: Oh, their cheese is real—100% real. Made from real cows milk, too. Real, real, real.

I'm sorry, but if we have to get excited about real cheese on our pizza, I might just pick off the cheese and throw it at you.

And McDonalds. Oh, McDonalds: They use natural cut fries. With sea salt.

Okay, well that tells me nothing about your product. What is “natural cut” anyway? You mean cut individually with a knife, the old-fashioned way? I don't care. Or is it the efficient way, launched by a potato gun into a super-sharp vertical grate? That could be “natural cut,” too, but once again, I don't care. How about, “Our fries are sliced at 50,000 fries per minute by a black-belt ninja waving a machete while dancing the ancient Hun war-dance on the belly of last year's grand champion Sumo wrestler.” I would eat those fries. Plus, I wouldn't be wondering what, “natural cut,” meant, and what that implies about the rest of your food.

- Carly