There are Some Things You Can't Get Away With

There are some things you can do at the university library. Like sneak in with a sandwich and eat it while no library employees are looking, hide in a study room during closing time and spend the night, write in the book you're borrowing, or play sardines between the bookshelves with a large group on a Saturday night. But something you can't do? I'm sorry, but you can't just walk into the university library at nine o'clock at night with three giant three-foot wide red party balloons, a stuffed dead wolf and a giant, four foot-wide red tool box and not get stopped by security. You just can't do that. What do you expect to tell them?

“Oh, don't you know about the disco party that's going on on the fourth floor? Yeah, it's gonna be rad!”

“We're giving a symposium about the effects of helium and air pollution on the wolf population. Oh, the red tool box? Yeah, we, uh, have baby wolves in here. Secure environment, you know.”

“Oh, it's okay. I have a key...to room 469. No, really, I work here. I'm just going right up there. No, we're just setting up. I actually have to go now. Okay, well I'm just gonna go. We're actually running late. It's nothing...But, I—please just...”

“Some mutant aliens are chasing me and I need a secure place to defend this red tool box. Will you make sure no aliens get by?”

“Can you direct me to the antiques archive? This antique wolf and the antique artifacts contained in this red tool box need a secure dwelling place.”

“Well, all these things are red (except for the wolf). We're decorating for Valentine's Day! Duh.”

“Look behind you! A three-headed monkey!”

“What am I up to? Come over here and look in my big red tool box and find out. Now, really put your head in there to get a good look. Just a little further...”

“Oh, we're the specialized cleaning crew. We got a call that there was some funky smell in the girl's bathroom. We're going to expunge the air with these giant red balloons and then use these secret science tools to recondition the bathroom to safe breathing levels. The wolf is here to stand guard.”

(Between tears) “My wolf...just...died. Please! Just leave me alone!”

You know what, there's really no excuse for bringing three giant red balloons, a stuffed wolf and a large red tool box to the library.

- Carly