The End of the Box: A Critical Analysis of Various Cereal Crumb Quality

As part of the world's effort to take a look at the less examined parts of life, I present an extremely researched based effort to examine and compare the crumbs of common breakfast cereals. What most people don't realize is that the crumb level of the cereal often composes an entire bowl, sometimes two. (Depending on how well the box was handled.) This means that unless you are thoughtless and wasteful - which is likely the case, you rogue - approximately one in ten of your bowls of cereal are mostly composed of crumbs.

Data was collected over 20+ years of Cereal Study. If your preferred cereal is not included in this list, it is likely because I don't have any experience with that cereal. Maybe you should've contacted me with full information about that cereal beforehand, you lazy louse.

The Crumb level of cereal begins when the box is down to the last 15% of its contents.

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The End of the Box: A Critical Analysis of Various Cereal Crumb Quality

Apple Jacks: Upon reaching the Crumb level of this cereal, the Jacks will have all been devastated. Less than 15% of the Jacks are whole at this point, and each bite is likely to be lined with tiny red and/or green Flavor Bits, many of which enjoy doing a Ring-Around-The-Rosy between your teeth before making it down your throat. This cereal has an average loss in quality at the Crumb level. You can only enjoy the cereal 45% as much as you did when you first opened the box.

Cheerios: Cheerios puts up a fight at the Crumb level. Many cheerios will be broken, many will be whole, and somehow many will be completely pulverized by the Powers That Be in the cereal bag. Are they simply the shower of all the tortured cheerios from above, or were they once proud cheerios who held the others up proudly in the bag, only to give their lives for their fellow O's? We have no way of knowing for sure, but we do know that they are not at all tasty or enjoyable. Cheerios deteriorate to 25% of their enjoyfulness upon reaching the crumb level.

Frosted Cheerios: Frosted Cheerios are almost exactly like Cheerios, except that the crumb level (which apparently no longer needs to be capitalized) is dusted with a lot of sugar. This type of thing makes you wonder why you ever bought regular cheerios in the first place. The crumb level devastation is the same as with regular Cheerios, and so the sugar dusting is just a bandaid over a lot of gaping wounds. Frosted Cheerios are down to 30% at the crumb level.

Corn Chex: There is little power in the structure of Chex. Apply the smallest amount of pressure to a single chex (chek?), and you go from chex to crumb. So the bottom of a box of Chex looks a lot like what would happen if you stored a chandelier in a suitcase, and checked the baggage back and forth from Chicago to San Fransisco thirty times, with seven connecting flights each way. I don't care how starved you are, don't eat the crumb level of Chex. 5% at the crumb level.

Rice Chex: As is always the case when comparing Rice Chex to Corn Chex, think of it as the same thing, but worse. 4%.

Wheat Chex: Wheat Chex is smaller and more compact than the other Chex types, and so the destruction is not as complete. However, the remains are still made of wheat. Wheat Chex has 10% of the original quality at the crumb level.

Cinnamon Toast Crunch: So get this: Not only were you able to enjoy an entire box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, but there's a level that the cereal reaches where all the good bits fell down to. Not only is the cereal more sugary cinnamony, but at this level your milk is turned into a glorious sugary soup. If you don't like the crumb level of this cereal, you should get your cereal juju fixed. 135% of its original quality.

Coco Puffs: There is an exchange at the crumb level of this cereal. The cereal quality goes down, but the milk quality goes up. I suppose the total quality depends on how important the milk is to you, but we'll say the crumb level quality is about 75% of the norm.

Fiber One Cereal: This cereal is basically strangely tasty bird feed. Much like a bag of chex mix, some parts are good, some are not. Unlike a bag of chex mix, you don't have the luxury of picking out the good bits and leaving the bad ones for someone else to eat. Still, the cereal is fairly good to begin with. Once you get the the crumb level, every single good bit has been turned into something bad, and so this cereal gets pretty bad once you're at the bottom. 15% quality at the crumb level.

Frosted Flakes: Frosted Flakes has a gradual deterioration as you get lower down into the box. By the time you've reached the crumb level, each flake has been whittled down to small bits barely distinguishable from the crumbs around it. However, sugar plays a huge part in making this cereal tasty, so it remains at 35% quality when you reach the crumb level.

Fruity Pebbles: First of all, why did you buy this cereal? You can easily make it yourself! Gather up some sawdust, put some fruit flavoring on it, smash and form it into bits that are just large enough to scrape the roof of your mouth off but small enough to sog almost instantly in milk. The crumb level of this cereal is even more of an atrocity than the cereal itself. Just pour the remains down the sink, and think bitter thoughts about yourself for wasting the milk involved.

Golden Grahams: This sturdy cereal almost outright wins the battle with Cereal Erosion. Little damage is done to each Graham by the time you reach the "crumb level". 90% quality.

Grape-Nuts: Well gee. This cereal started at the crumb level, didn't it? I'll admit I don't have too much experience with Grape-Nuts, but we'll say 100% since I've never noticed the difference between the top of the box and the bottom.

Honey Bunches of Oats: No. The crumb level of this cereal is barely worth bringing up. It instantly sogs, and most of what you enjoyed about the cereal has vanished. The only redeeming quality is once again the milk, and that barely makes up for what you've lost. 7% is a generous estimation of quality at the crumb level.

Kix: Kix holds up surprisingly well at the bottom, but there are still some annoying crumbs that like to stick to each Kik. It's like each Kik near the bottom has adopted a little Kiklet as one of their own, and then the second it hits your mouth the kiklet attempts to be the first one down the wrong side of your throat. Good luck not coughing once or twice as you eat the bottom of this cereal. 55%.

Lucky Charms: Lucky Charms were the first to discover that small pieces of marshmallows are not at all the same as the original large pieces of marshmallows. They act as glue, sticking the little remains of cereal globs together, only to release them as small bits once the milk reaches them. Overall, not a satisfying experience. 20%.

Oreo O's: Not bad at all at the crumb level. Milk turns into chocolate milk, the crumbs aren't as intrusive as other crumbs, and many of the O's survive. 85%.

Raisin Bran: In every bag of Raisin Bran, and battle is taking place between the Raisins and the Bran flakes. The home turf of the raisins is the bottom, while the bran flakes rule the top. In the middle you enjoy a pleasant mix of the two, but on the bottom, you've reached a Flake graveyard. Pulverized bits of flakes mixed with the reveling raisins is not a good combination, unless you are particularly fond of raisins, in which case you don't want cereal, you want a box of raisins. Go get your raisins and put down the 12% quality crumb level.

Reese's Puffs: Much like Coco Puffs, Reese's Puffs see a decrease in cereal quality with and increase in milk quality at the crumb level. The quality level is also at around 75% at the crumb level.

Waffle Crisp: Waffle Crisp is a cereal that walks a fine line. It begins too crunchy, slowly sogs to a very comfortable level, and eventually reaches a sogginess level that is just terrible. This delicate ecosystem is horribly tampered with at the crumb level. The time that the cereal is at the comfortable sogginess level is extremely short, and so the cereal fails almost entirely at the crumb level. 10%.

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I hope this has been informative. I find it sad to know that such an important part of daily life had not already been covered in previous research. Perhaps other scientists with a greater knowledge of other cereals can add to this study at a later time.

-Tim