Employee of the Month

So you know how you go to the grocery store, and lining the wall next to the customer service desk are several plaques with pictures of employees who are recognized for their outstanding job performance? Underneath the employees' photos are captions such as, Employee of the Month, Cashier of the Month, Convenience Clerk of the Month. Do you know what I think is missing from that wall? Shopping Cart of the Month. Any shopping cart that does an outstanding job deserves that recognition. The shopping cart ought to have its photo on the wall for all patrons to see, and underneath its photo, gold lettering will proclaim, Shopping Cart of the Month.

There are those times at the grocery store when you choose a shopping cart that just works perfectly. The wheels are clean, the handles are free of stickiness, no trash litters the bottom of the cart, and as you push the cart, the direction of its momentum adjusts at the slightest suggestion from your hands. It does its job so well that you barely notice it's there. As you go about your shopping, it recedes into the background, quietly but surely making your shopping experience a pleasure. When you leave the store, the shopping cart is the most minor, insignificant detail in the tiniest corner of your mind. You are unchanged. You are the same. You are just as content leaving the store as you were when you entered it.

On the other hand, there are the times when you get stuck with the cart that is equipped with a variety of irritating qualities, the most maddening of which is the stubborn wheel. Sometimes this condition is very obvious. A thick ring of hair entangles itself around the right front wheel, and when you grab the shopping cart, you notice the problem instantly. The right front wheel absolutely refuses to turn, and you know your shopping trip will be a nightmare if you don't abandon this cart immediately. This shopping cart is clearly there only to take up space. Better not waste your or its time.

And then, there are the sly ones. Initially when you grab the cart, you find it satisfactory. You're not going to spend ten minutes testing every single cart so that you can get that shining star. That would be absurd. Even if the cart has a slight tendency toward one side or the other, it's nothing you can't deal with. After your first one-hundred paces into the store, you realize your mistake. The shopping cart has a very slight but decisive preference for the right. But turning back now would be silly. Plus, it would disturb the decided flow of patrons into the store. No, it's too late. There's no backing out. You are in this for the entire ride.

So you do your best to go about your shopping as if everything is normal. Please excuse the occasional jerk of the shopping cart toward the left, or the flexed arms and clenched hands around the handles as you struggle to control this single-minded piece of equipment. When you enter an aisle and see something you want to purchase, you release your grip for a moment, because who goes to a grocery store to babysit? But the shopping cart continues to drift toward the right, on course to collide with the shelves. At some point, you just have to let go. Let the stupid cart crash into the shelves.

Throughout the shopping trip, your growing irritation is muffled by the rationalization that one should not permit one's patience to be tried by an inanimate object. After you check out and have paid for your groceries, you approach the large exit of the store. The right turn is just slight enough that, if you impose no control over the cart, it will make a perfect right turn toward the exit. Finally, you release your grip on the cart, your sanity returns, and you simply push. The cart makes a gradual turn right into the store exit. Perfect. Just like you wanted. Ha, try making me angry now, shopping cart!

- Carly