The Rich Man's Oreo Cookie

The poor man's Oreo cookie is found in the Philippines. Simply mix dirt and toothpaste, almost like a deconstructed Oreo. More refined Filipinos mix sugar with the toothpaste, and shape into a tiny pancake, and place between two mud patties.

The middle class Oreo is the processed and packaged cookie found under shiny blue plastic from the grocery store.

The rich man's Oreo is a crunchy cookie preserved under a coating of Mrs. Cavanaugh's Chocolates' creamy chocolate, with a colorful drizzle of white or green chocolate for aesthetic appeal. It is decadent, delicious. After enjoying the crunch of the cookie, the heavenly chocolate melts in your mouth, clearing your mind, and causing you to realize the absurdity of your luxurious and privileged life.

The creation of the billionaire's Oreo begins with scraping the crunchiest part of the Oreo off of 1000 Oreos. The crumbs are then sifted to separate the finest and crunchiest crumbs. These tiny crunchy crumbs are then combined with an assortment of top-quality roasted nuts that have been crushed by hand into teeny bitsy bits with the dexterity that only ten-year-old children can achieve. Crushed cocoa nibs from fine Criollo cocoa beans, imported from Chuao, Venezuala, are expertly added to obtain a perfect balance of crunchy cookie, roasted nut, and a hint of exotic, full-flavored chocolate. Pure butter, churned with a Century-old Irish family secret, and flown in from Ireland no more than one week prior to cookie creation, is then added to the mixture in a temperature-controlled room to allow for the butter to reach peak softness without degrading into melted state. Once a premium consistency has been reached, the crunchy cookie and crushed nut mixture is formed into patties by hand, and then baked in a 150-year-old oven in small batches to ensure proper heat distribution.

The filling is composed of cream created from pasture-raised and organic grass-fed cows, who abide with a daily regimented exercise routine, and which are retired once they fall below desirable health standards and age requirements, to ensure highest quality milk. The milk used to create the cream filling comes from cows milked that morning, for the freshest cream possible. Sugar is added to achieve a perfect balance of sweetness, from a recipe personally tested by the twelve most reputable pastry chefs in the New York metropolis.

The chocolate cookie patties are then paired with the ideal ratio of cream filling by a Le Cordon Bleu-trained chef. The completed cookies are then dipped in three thick layers of melted chocolate, each chocolate mixture composed of chocolate from a different type of Criollo cocoa bean designed to delight and tantalize your taste buds in distinct ways. Finally, the chocolate-coated cookie is dipped in a thin layer of edible gold, placed in a small white box, and sprinkled with pearls. And there you have the billionaire's Oreo cookie.

- Carly