How to Make People Think You're a Bad Person

This is a special posting for all my blog-readers who have had the problem of appearing to be a good person. Friends, aquaintances, neighbors, and even family members may have categorized you as a good person, sometimes without your knowledge. The following are a compilation of useful techniques for shattering their positive view of you and re-shaping your image in a more evil light.

When you go to funerals, and you think of something funny during the eulogy, don't hold back. Laugh!  You will enjoy yourself more, and people will think you are terrible.

Another handy hint for making yourself seem like a bad person is to openly express your belief in evolution when around religious people. Put up a large poster on your wall of an ape gradually changing from walking on all fours to a human walking erect and invite your Christian neighbors over for dinner. Buy t-shirts that say “I love evolution” and write into Protestant school newspapers expressing your love for Charles Darwin.

Support guns. If you really want to get the most out of this one, take up shooting and work yourself up to a hunting license. When you get your first hunting prize, carve it out and get it mounted so you can put it above your fireplace. The most effective mounted animals for blemishing your image will probably be the pint-sized mammals such as a bushy squirrel or a fluffy bunny. Hold your children's birthday parties at your home (you can maybe even get a hold of a Filipino recipe for dog soup); you may be fortunate enough to be characterized as a “monster” by all your children's friends.  (Note: To enhance this method of self-tainting, you can put up pictures around your house glorifying carnivorous animals, such as bloody wolves ripping apart a cornered deer or killer whales tossing around a helpless seal pup--or play a video of this at your child's party.)

That's all we have for today, but don't let these few helpful hints limit your imagination. Be creative. There are plenty other fun and exciting ways out there to appear evil. And don't be a Scrooge. Pass it on!

-Carly