Regrets

I regret to inform my reading audience that, despite their devout efforts to raise awareness and increase popularity of this fund-raising blog, much of the population felt it was not worth their time to view this blog each day, even if it meant 9 cents that would go toward my Christmas present to Tim. However, I do want to thank my loving brother, Xave, who personally invited seven thousand and eighty nine people to view this blog, and thereby succeeded in raising 99 cents. I am sometimes amazed at the cynicism and skepticism of this country. Will people not spare one minute of their day to help out a fellow being in need of Christmas money??? Nevertheless, despite being ignored by most of Xave's heartless friends, the efforts of my brother Xave earned me enough money to buy my husband a can of soda for Christmas. Now, this may not seem like much of a Christmas present, but I bought this can of soda for 99 cents, instead of the usual fifty-nine--so it was an extra-special can of soda. ;) Tim enjoyed it to the last drop.

I must apologize for the delayed traffic cone story. You see, my traffic cone was stolen from me three weeks ago; otherwise, this story would have been written then. I have been searching and searching for the past three weeks in an effort to find this traffic cone. I have been out in the cold, been burnt by an oven--and been through every terrible tragedy you can probably think of (depending on how creative you are). I have traveled across seven continental states and have even seen a moose. I have witnessed human kindness and human cruelty. I have been stuck in a snow storm with nothing but my earmuffs and a giant trash bag to keep me warm. When wolves tried to attack me, I could only think of my orange traffic cone and how handy it would have been. (You'll hear more about that later.)

But alas, here I am again, finally! And I can finally write that essay about the usefulness of traffice cones.

Introduction
Have you ever wondered why traffic cones are always going missing? There is a secret underground city of lam-people who often emerge on the earth's surface to educate humans who have been especially virtuous toward the environment. For example, those who recycle or only water their lawn at night; or those who are careful not to use garbage disposals as they cause eutrophication (which is when too much organic material rots in the water and causes masses of bacteria to breed and thus deplete the oxygen in the water and kill the fish). You get the idea. The lam-people mysteriously reward many of these environmental heros (you can be a hero too!) by educating them about age-old secrets of the earth. One of these secrets is traffic cones; and when people learn this secret, they steal traffic cones to reap the benefits.

Why They Are so Useful
Traffic cones are so useful because they have helped people to fight off wolves, increase brain power and mental astuteness, and make people better fighters.

Conclusion
I hope this has enlightened your mind about the usefulness of traffic cones. Until next time, folks, look behind you because someone was just standing there.

-Carly