Twinkie thoughts

I think it is time to be thoughtful, since I think anybody who has looked at this blog misses Tim’s short essays about video games, his childhood, and Penn State. I am eager to keep up our viewership, as we receive 9 cents each time this blog is viewed. These pennies will go toward the Christmas gift I am buying Tim. The more I have, the bigger his gift. Therefore, I shall now begin a non-cynical essay designed to lighten your spirit and gladden your heart and ultimately entice you to return to this page whenever you are feeling down.

For tonight’s essay, I would like to expand your mind on the usefulness of Twinkies. Now, recent societal trend is to frown upon Twinkies as a symbol of artificial ingredients and diabetes. “Twinkies are fake! They’ll last through an apocalypse! You can microwave them and they’ll still reproduce!” We have heard these accusations so frequently that we accept them as common knowledge. But what is this knowledge based in? Is it based in pure, unadulterated scientific study, complete with peer-reviewed research papers published by reputable scientific journals? Show me that published research paper, and I will stop writing this essay.

Until then, I would like to declare, wake up! Stop believing everything you hear! Twinkies are not bad. They are far from bad, if you apply the correct uses. Aha! That is the key. Correct uses.

When you jam a peanut into your nose, do you render all peanuts useless? No! The peanut can still be eaten! When you use a computer to relieve your anger by throwing it at the wall, do you declare all computers to be hazardous? I hope not, because that would be very foolish indeed.

Twinkies have many hidden uses. The first is starvation preparedness. Let us say you get lost in the jungle with a group of friends. Sally is very skinny because she is anorexic. Julian is buff because he exercises all the time. You are fat because you eat lots of Twinkies. You are all out of food and have been roaming the jungle looking for help for one week. Sally collapses on the jungle floor because she has no fat storage. In desperation, you and Julian feed her some berries from a nearby tree. She dies because the berries are poisonous.

Suddenly, a tiger appears before you. Julian runs away because he is very athletic. The tiger eats you because you are slow. You never find out what happened to Julian because you die. However, had the tiger not eaten you, you might have survived long enough off your fat reserve to find help and you would not have died. All thanks to Twinkies.

The second use of Twinkies is too long to explain. However, I hope this essay has enlightened your understanding and changed your view of the world. Perhaps, next time you look at a Twinkie, you will think to yourself, “Hey, a Twinkie’s not so bad.”

Next week’s essay shall explore the hidden dangers of traffic cones.

-Carly